Be careful what you pray for...It's not an uncommon phrase, and one full of the wisdom of experience. In praying for patience, you will likely find yourself in situations that require patience. In praying for greater faith, situations that require faith will likely be the order of the day.
I thought I had learned this lesson.
I don't know what got into me, but a month or so ago, I began to ask God to show me my sins, to show me areas of my life that needed repentance. And you know what? Yep, He answered my prayer. I went from patting myself on the back because I thought I had climbed pretty darn high on the thoughtfulness/kindness/goodness ladder to sliding so far down that I had to look up to see the bottom rung. My eyes opened, and I saw that I was the most wretched wretch I knew.
I repented. Then I promptly isolated myself from God. I withdrew. I was subconsciously convinced that He was angry with me. How could He not be? I was angry with myself. Disgusted at my thoughtless, selfish ways. If I felt that way about myself, surely that's how God felt about me too.
Several weeks went by like this. Then someone asked me a simple question. "What do you imagine when you think of Jesus?" I paused before answering, my brain rapid-firing thoughts of alI that I should say - something positive and wonderful, something encouraging, something that sounded holy; but I was tired of pretending. I answered honestly. I verbalized the dark and ugly thoughts that ate at me from within.
Shortly thereafter, I read a story about a woman having visions of Jesus. Whether true or not, the point was timely. The story goes that in order to test the validity of these visions, a cleric asked the woman to ask Jesus for a list of the sins he had recently confessed. Ten days later, the woman met with the cleric. What was Jesus' response to the woman's question regarding the cleric's recently confessed sins?
"I can't remember." *
Three simple words. The phrase is usually accompanied by frustration or remorse, and it's often preceded by, "I'm sorry."
They have an entirely new meaning for me now. I can't think them, much less say them, without that story coming out from beneath the clutter of my thoughts and standing front and center. In the two seconds it takes to say them, I hear Jesus speak. I hear His answer echoing through to the depths of my soul. I hear forgiveness for sins confessed; sins laid at the foot of the cross; sins no longer mine to carry because He took them to hell and left them there. Sins He can't remember.
It makes me just a little bit giddy.
As far as the east is from the west, so far does He remove our sins from us (Ps 103:12).
* from The Ragamuffin Gospel by Brennan Manning p.118
I thought I had learned this lesson.
I don't know what got into me, but a month or so ago, I began to ask God to show me my sins, to show me areas of my life that needed repentance. And you know what? Yep, He answered my prayer. I went from patting myself on the back because I thought I had climbed pretty darn high on the thoughtfulness/kindness/goodness ladder to sliding so far down that I had to look up to see the bottom rung. My eyes opened, and I saw that I was the most wretched wretch I knew.
I repented. Then I promptly isolated myself from God. I withdrew. I was subconsciously convinced that He was angry with me. How could He not be? I was angry with myself. Disgusted at my thoughtless, selfish ways. If I felt that way about myself, surely that's how God felt about me too.
Several weeks went by like this. Then someone asked me a simple question. "What do you imagine when you think of Jesus?" I paused before answering, my brain rapid-firing thoughts of alI that I should say - something positive and wonderful, something encouraging, something that sounded holy; but I was tired of pretending. I answered honestly. I verbalized the dark and ugly thoughts that ate at me from within.
Shortly thereafter, I read a story about a woman having visions of Jesus. Whether true or not, the point was timely. The story goes that in order to test the validity of these visions, a cleric asked the woman to ask Jesus for a list of the sins he had recently confessed. Ten days later, the woman met with the cleric. What was Jesus' response to the woman's question regarding the cleric's recently confessed sins?
"I can't remember." *
Three simple words. The phrase is usually accompanied by frustration or remorse, and it's often preceded by, "I'm sorry."
They have an entirely new meaning for me now. I can't think them, much less say them, without that story coming out from beneath the clutter of my thoughts and standing front and center. In the two seconds it takes to say them, I hear Jesus speak. I hear His answer echoing through to the depths of my soul. I hear forgiveness for sins confessed; sins laid at the foot of the cross; sins no longer mine to carry because He took them to hell and left them there. Sins He can't remember.
It makes me just a little bit giddy.
As far as the east is from the west, so far does He remove our sins from us (Ps 103:12).
* from The Ragamuffin Gospel by Brennan Manning p.118
good thoughts!! and good story!
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