Reins: A narrow strap of leather . . . manipulated to control the animal
Control: to exercise authority over. Synonyms: lead, rule, dominate, master, prevail, domineer. See also: power.
One thing about life - it's not boring. At least not if you're paying attention. There's so much to learn! Currently, my husband and I are both focused on the issue of control. For him, the one who has always needed to be in control, he's learning to let go and trust God. For me, the one who has always been afraid to be in control, I'm learning that I need to stand firm in what I know is God's will for me. Opposite sides of the same coin.
If you want to hear about Marc's side of the coin, you'll have to ask him, but for my side, keep reading.
As the youngest of six, I learned at an early age that everyone else knew better than I did (what older siblings wouldn't enforce that "fact?"). I learned to keep my mouth shut and go along with the crowd if I didn't want them to tease me (at least not about the particular issue at hand anyway). Nearly half a century later, I still live like that for the most part, but I think I'm finally ready to change. And so
God, being rich in mercy . . . has enrolled me in Control 101.
Consider a few scenarios, all of which I've experienced in the past week:
*Someone asks you to do something. You agree to do it, but soon regret your easy acquiescence. You're frustrated because you don't really want to do it but you've made a commitment.
*You see a need. You don't particularly have the time or desire to take care of it, you just see it; but since no one else can (or is willing), you do it. Enter: frustration.
*You're in the middle of something you enjoy, but a friend or your spouse who's with you doesn't share the same level of enjoyment. They're in a hurry to leave or do something else. You go along with them because you want to be nice. You want to be selfless. You want to give them what they want, but you're hurt and frustrated too.
*You've got rods in the fire - a plate in front of you that's overflowing. They're all things you want to do or things for which you've accepted responsibility whether at home or work. Someone calls you or maybe your boss walks in. They're frantic or in a hurry or demanding (albeit ever-so-nicely). This thing, whatever it may be, HAS to be done! Because they're so mono-focused, you absorb their distress and jump to their aid without a word of complaint. You put another rod in the fire. You splat a mound of mashed potatoes on top of the meatloaf, fried chicken, green beans, steak, eggs, and spinach already turning cold on your plate because you can't get to all of it. Before long, you have mega-indigestion (literally and figuratively). All you want to do is run away or burrow under your blankets.
This isn't about being a nice person. It's about control. It's about security. The past nine months have highlighted this fault of mine. I play fast and loose with the reins of my life. When they should be firmly planted in God's hands, I freely give them to others. I'm confident in what God has for me in this season of my life, but every time someone comes along with a request - whether or not I realize what I'm doing - I take those reins out of God's hands and give them to that person.
So here's what my husband, who is learning to relinquish control, tells me over and over (I think it's finally sinking in, Sweetheart): When I say yes to someone or when I jump in to take care of a need I see that no one else is covering or when I simply follow because I fail to speak up, I have no right to complain or be frustrated with anyone but myself.
By my own words and actions or lack thereof, I've made a decision. I've made a choice.
Someone is in control of your life. Someone holds the reins. Maybe it's anyone and everyone who asks for them. Maybe you hold on to those reins with an iron fist, afraid to let go. God lets us decide who will hold them, but He's the only One who holds the reins with mercy, forgiveness, grace, and passionate tender love. Why would we ever want anyone else to even touch them?
Control: to exercise authority over. Synonyms: lead, rule, dominate, master, prevail, domineer. See also: power.
One thing about life - it's not boring. At least not if you're paying attention. There's so much to learn! Currently, my husband and I are both focused on the issue of control. For him, the one who has always needed to be in control, he's learning to let go and trust God. For me, the one who has always been afraid to be in control, I'm learning that I need to stand firm in what I know is God's will for me. Opposite sides of the same coin.
If you want to hear about Marc's side of the coin, you'll have to ask him, but for my side, keep reading.
As the youngest of six, I learned at an early age that everyone else knew better than I did (what older siblings wouldn't enforce that "fact?"). I learned to keep my mouth shut and go along with the crowd if I didn't want them to tease me (at least not about the particular issue at hand anyway). Nearly half a century later, I still live like that for the most part, but I think I'm finally ready to change. And so
God, being rich in mercy . . . has enrolled me in Control 101.
Consider a few scenarios, all of which I've experienced in the past week:
*Someone asks you to do something. You agree to do it, but soon regret your easy acquiescence. You're frustrated because you don't really want to do it but you've made a commitment.
*You see a need. You don't particularly have the time or desire to take care of it, you just see it; but since no one else can (or is willing), you do it. Enter: frustration.
*You're in the middle of something you enjoy, but a friend or your spouse who's with you doesn't share the same level of enjoyment. They're in a hurry to leave or do something else. You go along with them because you want to be nice. You want to be selfless. You want to give them what they want, but you're hurt and frustrated too.
*You've got rods in the fire - a plate in front of you that's overflowing. They're all things you want to do or things for which you've accepted responsibility whether at home or work. Someone calls you or maybe your boss walks in. They're frantic or in a hurry or demanding (albeit ever-so-nicely). This thing, whatever it may be, HAS to be done! Because they're so mono-focused, you absorb their distress and jump to their aid without a word of complaint. You put another rod in the fire. You splat a mound of mashed potatoes on top of the meatloaf, fried chicken, green beans, steak, eggs, and spinach already turning cold on your plate because you can't get to all of it. Before long, you have mega-indigestion (literally and figuratively). All you want to do is run away or burrow under your blankets.
This isn't about being a nice person. It's about control. It's about security. The past nine months have highlighted this fault of mine. I play fast and loose with the reins of my life. When they should be firmly planted in God's hands, I freely give them to others. I'm confident in what God has for me in this season of my life, but every time someone comes along with a request - whether or not I realize what I'm doing - I take those reins out of God's hands and give them to that person.
So here's what my husband, who is learning to relinquish control, tells me over and over (I think it's finally sinking in, Sweetheart): When I say yes to someone or when I jump in to take care of a need I see that no one else is covering or when I simply follow because I fail to speak up, I have no right to complain or be frustrated with anyone but myself.
By my own words and actions or lack thereof, I've made a decision. I've made a choice.
Someone is in control of your life. Someone holds the reins. Maybe it's anyone and everyone who asks for them. Maybe you hold on to those reins with an iron fist, afraid to let go. God lets us decide who will hold them, but He's the only One who holds the reins with mercy, forgiveness, grace, and passionate tender love. Why would we ever want anyone else to even touch them?
Great perspective, Lori. I never would have thought of people pleasing as giving up the reins of control to someone other than God. Much food for thought.....
ReplyDeleteLori,
ReplyDeleteThe book Boundaries, by Henry Cloud and John Townsend is completely about the topic you are speaking about and more. The more lies in the area where we give up the reigns of our emotions to others. So we allow others to make us feel sad or happy or guilty, etc, rather than decide how we will feel based upon the principles of who we are, who God has called us to be and what those contexts should warrant.
I think you would like it. But don't get it, unless you want to. LOL
Thanks, Scott. That's one of the books Lori Rawlings (my passenger on Saturday) had read. She thought I would like it too. I'll have to put that on my list of must-reads! I've read Boundaries with Kids, and I thought it was excellent.
ReplyDelete