Not being extremely loquacious, I don't often stand on a soapbox and preach to the masses (or one or two hapless listeners for that matter). I'm amazed at the people in my life who can take fifteen minutes to expound a three sentence thought - and the ones who come immediately to mind are all men. However, periodically passion overtakes my personality and the words flow out unbidden, unrehearsed, and unexpected. This past Saturday such an occasion arose.
My friend and I were alone in the car for a little over two hours on the drive home from Kansas City. She, quite unknowingly I'm sure, brought up a subject that ignited my verbal juices.
The topic? Giving kids responsibility. Well, that's an easy one, right? Everyone knows that it's good to give kids responsibilities - the responsibility to walk and feed the dog, or brush their teeth every night, or do their homework, etc. Unfortunately, I see more and more parents who apparently believe that those tasks are at the upper end of their child's ability.
I don't have a degree in child or adolescent psychology, but after raising two of my own and working with several hundred teens over the past fourteen years, I can report the pattern that I've observed. Over and over and over and over again, the parents who demand nothing more from their teens than that they do their homework and stay out of trouble end up crippling them.
My first hint of this reality came through a friend of mine. Growing up, her parents handed her life on a silver spoon. She never had to work, never had to pay for her own clothes, her car, her insurance, her gas, nothing. As an adult, she couldn't work. She tried, but it caused so much stress that it affected her physically, and she had to quit. She had enjoyed her job, but she was crippled. She had never had to learn how to cope with the reality of life. Watching her go through this inspired me to stay strong, to determine that my kids would be prepared for life by the time they had to live it on their own.
That was just the beginning of the opening of my eyes. After that came the past fourteen years (and counting) of working with other people's teenagers. It honestly saddens my heart when I hear that so very few parents require their teen to pay for their own car insurance (did I just hear you gasp?!). Driving is an adult responsibility. Our society doesn't allow kids to drive, and for good reason! People have to be of a certain level of maturity before they can even practice their driving skills. When parents pay their kid's insurance (maybe even buy them a car), they've just placed driving on par with a bed to sleep in and food to eat. They've told their teen that they're entitled to it.
On the other hand, when parents require their teen to pay for their own insurance, their own cost to drive, they've handed them something of far greater worth than that monthly bill. They've just given that teen a parent's faith in their child. By requiring that their child carry the weight of responsibility, the parents have told their child that they believe in his or her maturity and strength of character. They've given them the responsibility to govern this area of their life and effectively told them they trust them to do it well.
Of course teens will complain and hate it at the time. Of course it will be hard for you as a parent to not cave, but do you really think your child will suddenly be a responsible adult at some magical age? Responsibility has to be taught - slowly and surely. It's not inborn. It's not the path of least resistance, which is the path we all naturally lean towards. Isn't the whole idea of raising kids to make them independent and self-sufficient? Challenge them to grow up, to be responsible for their life. Don't cripple them. Don't let their muscles atrophy. When it's time for them to leave home, make sure they're ready to fly.
My friend and I were alone in the car for a little over two hours on the drive home from Kansas City. She, quite unknowingly I'm sure, brought up a subject that ignited my verbal juices.
The topic? Giving kids responsibility. Well, that's an easy one, right? Everyone knows that it's good to give kids responsibilities - the responsibility to walk and feed the dog, or brush their teeth every night, or do their homework, etc. Unfortunately, I see more and more parents who apparently believe that those tasks are at the upper end of their child's ability.
I don't have a degree in child or adolescent psychology, but after raising two of my own and working with several hundred teens over the past fourteen years, I can report the pattern that I've observed. Over and over and over and over again, the parents who demand nothing more from their teens than that they do their homework and stay out of trouble end up crippling them.
My first hint of this reality came through a friend of mine. Growing up, her parents handed her life on a silver spoon. She never had to work, never had to pay for her own clothes, her car, her insurance, her gas, nothing. As an adult, she couldn't work. She tried, but it caused so much stress that it affected her physically, and she had to quit. She had enjoyed her job, but she was crippled. She had never had to learn how to cope with the reality of life. Watching her go through this inspired me to stay strong, to determine that my kids would be prepared for life by the time they had to live it on their own.
That was just the beginning of the opening of my eyes. After that came the past fourteen years (and counting) of working with other people's teenagers. It honestly saddens my heart when I hear that so very few parents require their teen to pay for their own car insurance (did I just hear you gasp?!). Driving is an adult responsibility. Our society doesn't allow kids to drive, and for good reason! People have to be of a certain level of maturity before they can even practice their driving skills. When parents pay their kid's insurance (maybe even buy them a car), they've just placed driving on par with a bed to sleep in and food to eat. They've told their teen that they're entitled to it.
On the other hand, when parents require their teen to pay for their own insurance, their own cost to drive, they've handed them something of far greater worth than that monthly bill. They've just given that teen a parent's faith in their child. By requiring that their child carry the weight of responsibility, the parents have told their child that they believe in his or her maturity and strength of character. They've given them the responsibility to govern this area of their life and effectively told them they trust them to do it well.
Of course teens will complain and hate it at the time. Of course it will be hard for you as a parent to not cave, but do you really think your child will suddenly be a responsible adult at some magical age? Responsibility has to be taught - slowly and surely. It's not inborn. It's not the path of least resistance, which is the path we all naturally lean towards. Isn't the whole idea of raising kids to make them independent and self-sufficient? Challenge them to grow up, to be responsible for their life. Don't cripple them. Don't let their muscles atrophy. When it's time for them to leave home, make sure they're ready to fly.
I agree with you. We were not allowed to get our license until we were ready to pay for our own insurance. One of the things I have learned from my parents is responsibility...teaching it to kids early makes a huge difference in the long run.
ReplyDeleteAgreed...totally soapbox material!
ReplyDelete